More than a Carepartner: Redefine your Role, Reclaim your Identity

WHO ARE YOU?

Three words; so simple to read, so difficult to understand. People spend decades trying to respond to this question before they eventually realize that it’s unanswerable—who we are is always changing.

So we come up with a stopgap. We describe ourselves by pointing to the most prominent role we play at any given point in time. For people taking care of a loved one, this role is often as a carepartner.

This way of thinking, while convenient, has its drawbacks. It doesn’t take long to feel pigeon-holed, trapped within the narrow confines of the very definitions we helped create. Because it can be an allconsuming role, it’s easy for carepartners to feel as if that’s all they are. It’s hard for them to envision an identity beyond this.

“People are fluid,” says Janice Taylor, author, columnist and life coach for Virtual Shoulder. com, and we need to start seeing ourselves that way. “We are not defined by one role,” she says, “We think of ourselves as nouns—but we are really verbs. We are beings.”

Being a Carepartner is not a Definition

It should be easy for a carepartner to see themselves as a verb—they’re always doing something.

People taking care of a loved one constantly bounce between dozens of daily tasks: driving to doctor’s appointments, cooking dinner, working a day job and making sure pills are taken on time.

Taylor, a carepartner herself, talks about how exhausting it can be just to make simple daily decisions for her mother. What she should eat for dinner? Which of her outfits should be kept and which should be thrown away?

When faced with this never-ending series of tasks, a person’s sense of self is often the first thing that gets sacrificed.

She knows how difficult it can be for people taking care of someone to connect with their true selves. “Society tells you what you’re supposed to do and how you’re supposed to feel,” but it doesn’t have to be this way.

The Wisdom in Cliché Advice

Set boundaries, put on your own oxygen mask first, ask for help.

These statements form the basis of the informal carepartner creed. They also highlight the vital importance of staying true to yourself while taking care of another human being.

Before you can set meaningful boundaries with a loved one, you must decide how much you’re willing to give. Before you can ask others for help, you must first be able to recognize (and accept) that you’ve reached the end of your proverbial rope.

“It’s okay to express that you’re completely overwhelmed,” Taylor says, “You need to define your role as a carepartner and know how much you’re comfortable with based on your own sense of self.”

Know yourself. Know your feelings and your limits and don’t be afraid to voice them.

Portrait of a Whole Person

How do you temporarily subtract carepartner from your resume and tap into the person you really are?

It can be tricky, particularly if you’ve been looking after a loved one for years, but Taylor offers some advice for re-connecting with and getting to know your true self:

• Engage your core: No, it’s not an argument for taking an extra Pilates class. An important part of the re-definition process is thinking about your core set of inner resources. Define yourself by the things you like to do. For example, you may be a creative person who enjoys writing, singing and practicing yoga. You may also be a wife, mother and a daughter who’s taking care of her elderly mother but, as Taylor points out, those labels describe your relationship to other people, not your relationship with yourself.
• Talk about yourself: It may sound unusual, but engaging in some thirdperson self-talk can help you come up with alternative definitions of who you are. For example, you could say to yourself, “(Your name) is a quilter, attorney, and unabashed romance novel nerd.” Taylor says this method creates a sense of inner spaciousness and freedom that may clear your head and help you plug into your true self. “It puts you in a place where your mind isn’t hijacked by what’s going on, where you’re more than your thoughts,” she says.
• Connect under the covers: Re-tooling your self-definition doesn’t mean that you have to spend hours sitting alone, meditating on the mysteries of life. Taylor suggests taking a few minutes right after you wake up to connect with your inner being. “Remember who you are before you get out of bed,” she says.
• Talk about strangers: There’s perhaps no better way to re-invent yourself than by being around people you’ve never met before. Look for groups and clubs in your area that are focused on things you’re interested in. That way, you can explore a personal passion while introducing yourself to people who have no preconceived opinions about who you are. They won’t know you’re carrying a car full of carepartner baggage unless you tell them. Which can offer a refreshing change of pace if your day-to-day interactions constantly seem to revolve around one question: “How’s mom doing today?”
• Set some goals: Most people shelve their own ambitions once they start looking after their loved ones. But, setting personal goals can be a great way to explore and re-ignite your passions. According to Taylor, the most important thing about goal setting is consistency. Take ten minutes a day to work towards your target, whether it’s writing the next great American mystery novel or growing an herb garden in your backyard.

Sources

Article adapted from Aging Care (http://www.agingcare.com/Articles/more-thana-carepartner-152745.htm)

This content was published in the Spring 2015 edition of our quarterly magazine, Viewpoints. The content was accurate as of this publication date.