Appreciating Your Carepartner
Communication and compassion are two key components of healthy relationships. For some, these components may be old news; for others, this may be the first time that they’ve considered them in the context of their relationship. Relationships are inherently different from one another, in the sense that the way someone interacts with their partner will naturally vary from friends and family. Context matters. In this article, we’ll explore both the concepts of communication and compassion in the hopes that it encourages stimulating thought and discussion.
Communication
There are many types of communication styles. Dr. Gottman of the Gottman Institute refers to criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which is a metaphor predicting that frequent use of these communication tactics are likely to result in the end of a relationship (Lisitsa, 2013). The antidote to criticism is to talk about feelings using “I” statements. To combat contempt, you can treat each other with respect and appreciation. Accepting responsibility, even for part of the issue, can counteract defensiveness; and taking a 20 minute break from the conversation before resuming the talk can help you avoid stonewalling. To learn more about this approach, view the following YouTube video by the Gottman Institute: http://bit.ly/4HorsemenOfCommunication
A popular myth about communication in relationships is that since you talk to your partner, you’re automatically communicating. However, talking to your partner about everyday topics isn’t necessarily communicating the important stuff. Healthy communication involves much deeper conversations and topics, such as stating your fears or recalling joyous memories. You can improve your relationship by keeping the following in mind:
- Focus on one topic.
- Gather your thoughts.
- Be honest with your partner.
- Pay attention to your body language and non-verbal signs.
- Take a moment to listen to your partner.
- Rephrase what you’ve heard (Grohol, 2009)
Keep in mind that trying out a new communication style is like learning a new dance. You will stumble and fumble, which is part of the learning process. Start small; practice 1 of the 6 tips. Once you have mastered one component of a new communication style, integrate another. For example, choose one topic to talk about with your partner, such as a fear of falling. Then once you’ve both said your piece, rephrase what you heard your partner share. This will help clarify your positions, and ultimately create a space for understanding.
Compassion
At Stanford University, scholars explore the concept of compassion in depth. “Compassion unfolds in response to suffering, beginning with your recognition of it, then conjuring change to elicit empathy and concern. This, in turn, motivates us to take action, and help relieve that suffering” (CCARE, 2016). One may think expressing compassion is simple, but it can be complex!
Humans have a natural capacity for compassion, but stress, social pressures and life experiences can suppress it – potentially resulting in physical and psychological problems. The good news is that we can train ourselves to nurture others while developing our compassionate instincts. Understanding others requires patience, steady care, proper tools and a supportive environment. Most of the time when your partner belches out a frustration, they are silently asking for your understanding and compassion. They want to feel that you are on their team (Lisitsa, 2012).
When your partner comes to you complaining that they have been treated unfairly at the grocery store, the last thing they want to hear is that they have been overstressed and that they should move on. Instead, they want to hear you say, “That sounds so frustrating! I can understand why you are so upset.” Expressing empathy will become more natural by practicing empathetic statements like this.
The secret to compassion thus lies in empathy. Empathy is defined as understanding what another person is feeling, because you have experienced it or can imagine yourself in their shoes. Empathy entails a more personal understanding than sympathy. For example, a doctor is empathetic with a patient if they can relate personally to their experience. A doctor is sympathetic to their patients when they comfort them and their families (Diffen LLC, n.d.).
Good communication and compassion are the keys to healthy relationships. They may not completely resonate with you, and that’s okay. What’s important is that we hone in on their meaning. Relationships are hard work; they require attention and effort. We hope that this discussion topic has made you consider what you are currently doing to help maintain healthy relationships in your life, and where you might be able to improve.
Sources
Cresto, Derek. (2012). Thank You Caregiver. CaregiverStress Blog. Retrieved from https://www.caregiverstress.com/2012/11/thank-you-caregiver
Diffen LLC. (n.d.). Empathy vs Sympathy. Diffen.com. Retrieved from http://www.diffen.com/difference/Empathy_vs_Sympathy
Grohol, John M. (2009). 9 Steps to Better Communication Today. Psych Central. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/14/9-steps-to-better-communication-today
Lisitsa, Ellie. (2012). Expressing Compassion and Empathy. The Gottman Relationship Blog. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-makes-love-last-expressing-compassion-and-empathy
Lisitsa, Ellie. (2013). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The Gottman Relationship Blog. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling
The Centre for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education (CCARE). (2016). Why Cultivate Compassion? Retrieved from http://ccare.stanford.edu/education/about-compassion-cultivation-training-cct/why-cultivate-compassion
This content was published in the November 2017 edition of our monthly support group newsletter, GroupLink. The content was accurate as of this publication date.